Expectations, Part 1

What do you do when your husband fails your expectations? First of all, I must say, I think my husband is the most wonderful, absolute best husband ever! Now wait a minute, wait a minute…before I seem narcissistic or self absorbed, I have to explain myself: EVERY healthily married woman would say the same thing. She who writes an answer to the proposed question above would probably be saying the same…about HER own husband. When we assess our husbands, we should not be led to judge them according to those around them (ie: other husbands). Instead, we should be happily assessing how well our OWN husbands work together with ourselves as wives...and in comparison to Who Christ is…that’s all!

Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 10:12: “For we dare not class ourselves or compare ourselves with those who commend themselves. But they, measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.”

It must really stink for a husband to constantly hear, “Jenny’s husband does this…” or “Jane’s husband works here…” What a bummer! Sure, we can encourage our husbands to do and accomplish the will of God in their lives, no doubt; and other people's testimonials can be a real boost. However, they are neither “good” or “bad” husbands based on how well they measure up to some other man. Our minds should never drift to “If I had been married to _______, this would not be the case”, instead we should see the uniqueness of the union that God has ordained between us: one woman and one man.

We have a “Honey Please List” in our house. I don’t like the term “Honey Do List”, so we changed it. We share this list electronically so that when he is off, he already knows where I need help. This way, he can graciously attempt it as he feels able after resting from his shift. Some things have to be done right away (leaky water here or there, etc.), but most things can wait. Therefore, I don’t meet him at the door with a grocery list of “things gone wrong while you were out”. If that were me and someone met me at the door that way, I would want to turn around and go back to work! So, I have the same compassion on him that I would want someone to have on me after working a 12-15 hour shift.

“Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” ~Matt. 7:12

“‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’” ~Matt. 12:31

Sometimes, after looking at the Honey Please List, my hubby can grab parts for a project before coming back home from his shift, so that he is prepared. There are many things that my husband just does better than I do. He raves about what I do in my meager attempts, but I guarantee that I would not be able to do it without him. He keeps our household running. We would come to a grinding halt without my husband’s responsibility around here. He is magnificent.

I have witnessed my husband become an excellent gardener, landscaper, electrician, carpenter, drywall repairman (as kids will learn quickly how to get through the walls of a house without the help of a door), labor & delivery coach, fisherman, barber, cook, homeschool principal, and plumber – to name a few things. When we got married, he could only do, maybe, one of those things…and he lacked desire to want to learn how do any of the others. However, I believed in him and he believed in me. He learned so many things by following the Lord’s Word, listening to great advice from his dad, and having necessity thrust him into performing well in these areas.

“The Lord will open to you His good treasure, the heavens, to give the rain to your land in its season, and to bless all the work of your hand.” ~ Deut. 28:12

Although he encouraged me to be the woman I am today, and I have encouraged him to be the man he is today, we could not be the Holy Spirit for one another. Nagging does not do very well with either of us as a motivation technique. In Christ, we have been constantly cheering each other on and it has been a great success thus far. Ultimately, it is the Holy Spirit that has the ability change the heart…not man (or woman).

My 13 year old daughter drew this picture during our Bible time one day. It refers to the Scripture:

"Better to dwell in the corner of a housetop than in a house shared with a contentious woman."

~ Prov. 21:9

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Regarding the initial question: When I was a new bride, I remember the infantile ways that I would hold a grudge against my husband. I used to go to the “silent treatment” whenever he did not give me my way or when he did something I deemed ridiculous and obviously avoidable (sometimes I was right about the causes, though, lol). I would never give in until I figured he “had paid dearly” with the frigid shudder! Then, reluctantly, I would stop giving the cold shoulder and warm up to him. I was a very young girl and a very young Christian back then. As I have grown in the Lord Jesus Christ (all to His glory), I have learned how to better handle disagreements between my husband and I. Whether or not the reasoning for my disgust is founded, there is a Biblical way to approach difficulties and failures in marriage.

“You therefore, beloved, since you know this beforehand, beware lest you also fall from your own steadfastness, being led away with the error of the wicked; but grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory both now and forever. Amen.” ~2 Pet. 3:17-18

Upon the writing of this post I have been married for 17 ½ years. Do you know what? There is almost nothing that my husband can do to annoy me to the point where I used to so easily be annoyed, as described in the above paragraph. How is that so? Did I just become numbed to the male take on my opinions, hopes, and desires? NO! Not at all! I still have the feminine needs and desires I had as a younger wife. I still need to be heard, loved, and understood. It’s just this Bible, you see. I have never put it down throughout the past 17 ½ years of marriage and walking with Jesus. “This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate in it day and night, that you may observe to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success” (Josh. 1:8). The more that I read it and meditate on Jesus, the more He remakes me so that I become more like Him. I have been dying to my flesh daily, so I am not fulfilling the lusts of the flesh as heavily as I was when I was younger. So, it is not that my needs have altered that much, but I have this ever-loving, ever-forgiving, longsuffering passion of Christ in my heart that makes it almost difficult and painstaking to hold a grudge against my husband. My husband is my head, my friend, my lover, and my defender. He is made in the image and likeness of my Father. God has put him over me for him to give his life for me, and for me to serve him…all the while, loving each other passionately. With all of this understanding in mind, it hurts me too much to punish my dear husband with the silent treatment and unforgiveness for days on end like I used to when I was less mature.

“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.” ~ Eph. 5:22-29

So, what do we say then? What is happening in marriages all over the church? Well, my friend, each situation is different, you know? I cannot explain every situation and I cannot judge because only the Lord knows all hearts – we just see things on the outside. However, there is hope! Hope for the unmarried and the young women and men in waiting. God has chosen a mate for you, and He is preparing his/her heart for your union everyday. You will be so overjoyed! Please wait – wait for your perfect mate. Don’t get ahead of God’s plan and choose superficially. The heart is of so much more importance than exterior performance or presentation.

“For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” ~1 Sam. 16:7

My husband and I were intended to be together. I can now (in hindsight) see how all of our preparatory upbringing made us stronger in the areas necessary to be who we are, and do what we do, as a marital team today. We are not perfect, but we serve a perfect Savior that has forgiven us of ALL sin! Therefore, we are pleased to find areas in one another where we can exercise the same kind of forgiveness. Who are we to hold a grudge or fight tooth and nail over every issue and not be yielding and longsuffering? Christ bore all of our sin and iniquity so that we could have the power to forgive. Forgiveness is not something that comes naturally to our carnal selves. It takes the Holy Spirit of God for us to forgive a wrong and to have peace in our souls about it. Hearing "I'm sorry" is not when you know it is time to forgive. Knowing that forgiveness is required is your signal that it is time to forgive. Forgiveness in marital battles not only releases your spouse...it frees YOU!